There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
