He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
