god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
