Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
