the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Randomize
