life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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