shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
