i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
