this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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