Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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