After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
