How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Let's paint friendship bongs
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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