I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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