Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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