i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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