Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
