Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
