in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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