I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
