Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
