he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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