I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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