The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
nutella sex= disaster
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
