Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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