I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
