we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
