Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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