we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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