I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
