True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
