people are starting to question the shark bite story
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
