is your mom at the bar?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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