so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
