i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
