I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
