When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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