He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
