Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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