I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
