I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
