I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
