the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I look better un-naked...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
