There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
