tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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