my vag is so smooth its legendary
He kissed a someone with a penis
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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