big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
