MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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