i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
