I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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