fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
