4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
