is your mom at the bar?
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
